Hurl Interrupted

My long-awaited trip to Phoenix, Arizona last weekend was hijacked by that menacing Norwalk Virus (featured at the right), its trouble making tendencies clearly emphasized by the slingshot in its back pocket.

The diagram on the left is me; the yellow circles draw attention to the three trouble spots affected by the troublesome virus: my twisted insides and my burning exits. Editor's note: to avoid potentially questionable remarks, the bottom circle is a colon.

I looked up the virus and I have cycled through nearly all its typical symptoms. The only one not listed was nausea and vomiting from watching "Wild, Wild West" with Will Smith at 2:00 in the morning. I still think my diagnosis is correct, but I'm willing to listen to second opinions.

Turn that SMIL upside down

Here is a picture of me after our trip to Arizona. I gained a few pounds while we were there. It was all a part of Blake's evil plan to get everyone talking about how I'm "getting sa big". He's tired of carrying the weight of the SMIL club by himself.

Tara loses it!

Sunday, January 21, 2007, Tara Shirley screams at her primary class for being brats. I shouldn't be a primary teacher.

Ah Nuts

With all the negative energy in the air we need to take a deep breath, celebrate each other, and rejoice in our nuttiness. http://www.123greetings.com/events/watch_squirrel_day/watch5.html

Commercial Interuption

So I have a collection of favorite commercials and I thought I would share one of my favorites which makes me crack up. This is an old favorite which I really like because of the guy doing "the worm" at the end. Of course, any commercial with straight men dancing cracks me up. I don't know why that is but I always giggle. Brandon and I also love the Real Men of Genius ads. I found a web site with a bunch of them so click here if you are interested. My personal favorites are "Mr. Really Loud Cell Phone Talker", "Mr. In the Car Nose Picker", "Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer" and "Mr. Really, Really, Really Bad Dancer".

We The People!

As the blog's self-appointed ombudsman, I have heard the complaints and taken action: Jeff's access has been temporarily suspended. Don't get mad. Simply put I think we can all agree that the people should have more voice. The proletariat have united to throw down the bourgeois, it's a people's s revolution if you will.

To prevent future abuse of power, it is only fair that we adopt a "United Nations Security Council "style power of veto. I understand that being able to control the flow of this particular blog can be addicting. The power is simply too much, it's like holding the "one true ring." We're all aware that "absolute power corrupts absolutely." I only hope that temporarily removing Jeff's admin position doesn't turn him into a reclusive Golom.

As a temporary solution, if one person objects to the blog's content, that person can exercise their right to veto. Let Anna (the Secretary General if you will) know and the veto will be exercised. Ideally, balance will be achieved (unless you live in Laverkin, Utah, a town which formally does not recognize the United Nations). If Jeff can guarantee better behavior, the council can give him back his admin status.

We saw this happen with the fairy picture and Jeff got to take over the blog. Now, it's only fair that the blog management shifts to someone else. We are not at liberty to say who has the power now.

Don't ever let anyone use your phone

So this girl in my class comes up to me and asks, "Mr. Shirley, I don't feel very good, and I think I need to use your phone." I said it was alright and thought nothing of it, since it happens a lot. Well I looked over just in time to see chunks being blown all over my desk, phone, and grade folder. Luckily it missed my computer by about 2 inches. The girl just kind of stood there with the phone in her hand, too embarrassed to say anything. So, I had to clean it up while she went to the bathroom to throw the rest up. As I'm staring at the phone which by this time was covered completely with vomit, I was thinking, "How can I use that phone ever again?" Luckily, the secretary just gave me a new one and whispered to me as I left the office, "Just throw that one away."

What Jeff Seezz

Because the Jazz have always had blue as their team color, Jeff has always liked that color. But, only recently have those colors merged into his persona, perminantly tainting the colors he sees. What once was green, he now sees as blue. What once was red, he now sees as light blue. It's believed that, after seeing these colors for so long, the rods and cones in his eyes that are able to pick up all other colors had withered away leaving Jeff able to only recognize purple, blue, and light blue. Because this change has been so gradual, his body has made the proper modifications to allow him to lead a normal lifestyle. He can drive, shop, work, and eat. This self-inflicted bastardization of the color wheel not only effects himself, but those around him as well. We can see it in everything he has creative control over. Take this blog, for example. It went from a gentle tan, blue, and green, to a monochromatic blue, blue, and blue.

What are you going to do about it?

While walking to the Jazz game about 2 months ago, this crazy guy in his 50's was driving a crappy 80's Econoline van and about hit Alan and I while we walking through the Crown Burger parking lot. I was annoyed but kept walking, however, Alan was more annoyed and threw a hard elbow into the guy's side mirror as he walked by. I laughed and we kept walking, but behind us we heard the guy dropping f bombs and asking Alan why the 'f' he did what he did. I turned to see Alan walking toward him and was wondering, "Am I going to have to pick up the pieces of this guy after Alan dismantles him?" As Alan got closer to him, I saw the guy reaching for his door to close it when he realized who was walking towards him. I mean, if you saw so a guy with a 260 lb. guy with a mohawk who looks like he's from Saudi Arabia walking up to you, wouldn't you do the same? Alan put his hand up on the door preventing him from closing it and I could see the guy literally crapping his pants (he already smelled like it) as Alan kept asking him, "So what are you going to do about it? Do something! Come on!" The crazy thing about it was the guy claimed he had the right of way. During the whole conversation I kept wondering what I was going to do if the guy pulled a gun but when I realized how old he was (he had like a 10" gray beard and smelled like he was living out of his van) I figured there wasn't much to worry about. Eventually the guy managed to end the conversation before Alan killed him and as he shut his door, Alan threw a harder elbow into his driver's side mirror, and I believe he broke it.

This time, the guy didn't have anything to say as we walked away. It was freaking hilarious and I asked Alan what he would have done if the guy had pulled a gun. He said, "I would have pulled him out of his van and beat him up and then jumped in his van and driven it out into oncoming traffic."

One Down, Eight to Go

I received my first acceptance letter to Florida Costal School of Law in Jacksonville Florida. Now, you're probably asking yourselves a couple of questions: 1) Why Florida? I was fooled into believing that if I applied to this school I would get a free 80 GB ipod. I didn't expect much, the brochure had a picture of a guy in a suit holding a laptop computer and surfing at the same time. Who wouldn't turn that down? It wasn't until after I applied that Anna noticed that the ipod was free only upon matriculation. At least they waived the 50 dollar application fee. 2) Shouldn't the application process take longer? Yes, sometimes newer schools are desperate for applicants so they take anybody who applies. So, my academics had nothing to do with this decision. I've often wondered where my life is going, now I have a clearer picture: I attend a 4th tier law school, graduate, and spend the rest of my life working in downtown Miami chasing ambulances with some sleezy partner in the likeness of Danny Devito. I'll stop making fun of myself before the application process is over. This school could be the only yes out of the bunch. Addendum After looking more closely at the school information packet (something I obviously didn't learn from the first experience) I found that I wrongly accused this school of quickly accepting my application. According to the admissions council, "The School of Law admits students selectively after a careful and thorough evaluation process." I stand corrected. Looks like Anna and I could be one step closer to our dream of enjoying our retirement as ticket-takers at Disney World.

Baby It's cold INside

What happens when the longest cold spell in 30 years hits Phoenix, with 3 nights of freezing temperatures in a row? Simple economics: demand exceeds supply and 6 little Scoresby plus 15,000 of our neighbors lose their natural gas. NICE! Since we have a gas stove and dryer we were crippled yesterday...no showers, doing laundry, cooking dinner not to mention heat. We noticed about 10 a.m. that the heat was on but cold air was blowing out. After some phone calls to neighbors and Southwest Gas, we learned about the outage and braced ourselves for a long night. A fleet of trucks were out and about all day hooking people back up and re-lighting pilot lights and we heard they were working until midnight. But with over 4900 homes to go to, we didn't expect anything soon. We bunkered down in the master bedroom last night (after showering and drying laundry at a neighbor's house) with a space heater, kids on the floor, to get through last night and the baby had one in her room with her. To get ready for school I put on my coat to fix cocoa and toast for Con and Claire and brought it back up to them in the bedroom. They dressed in there and we came down when it was time to go. Luckily our new best bud the Southwest Man came by around 11:30 this morning. The heat is back on! and we have a new appreciation for modern conveniences.

Tatiana Bagootskia's performance

After the Jazz game the other night, I was surfing the channels and was mesmerized by the beauty and grace of this Russian Skater, Tatiana Bagootskia. With tears streaming down my face after her stirring performance, I looked closely and noticed she looked remarkably familiar. I couldn't quite place who she looked like though, but I thought I'd post these to let you help me out. So let me know!

Gwampa Gwover Wikes Melba Toast

As it turns out, Dad isn't crazy. Melba Toast is something real! What else have I not been told?

Resolution, Schmesolution!

OK, I realize that this blog has become a place where we make fun of one another, but I am changing that today! I want to voice my frustrations with New Year's Resolutions. They are STUPID! Mainly I am talking about people who resolve, usually on a yearly basis, to exercise more. Now I understand that you Shirley's may not know what exercise is, but for me, it has become a necessity. Three times a week, since August, I head to the gym. Since the new year has started, this simple act has become a gigantic frustration. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going to the gym and working out, HOWEVER, I DO NOT enjoy pulling up to the gym and fighting for a parking spot, then walking into the gym locker room only to be accosted by A LOT of old naked boobs (meaning, naked breasts), and then having to fight my way through all the fatties that have suddenly decided they need to get their big butts on a small machine of which they don't understand the proper usage and function. So there I am, stuck waiting for a freaking machine, when I am a long term gym member, not a stupid three monther!!! So how do I resolve this frustration? Do I just continue to go and deal with all these fat boobs? I think I shouldn't have to deal with them at all. If you were really serious about getting fit, you would have started in the middle of the year, like us (me) normal people, instead of thinking that THIS year, this year... things will be different. GIVE UP ALREADY! I want my gym back! So how do you all feel about the people that set these completely unrealistic resolutions, knowing full well, that in a few weeks, they will just go back to their boring, mundane existence, that they were more than happy with on December 31st?

Angry Jeff

I called up Grandpa K. last night and asked him what to do about the fairy post and since I'm his protege, he replied, "Make sure you let everyone know how mad you are, make everyone feel guilty, and hold a grudge the rest of your life." I said to him, "Those things come natural to me." Then, he replied, "The force is strong in this one."

Goodbye "Perseus", hello (insert name here)

Here is our trusty Passat, or "Perseus" (named after the Greek God). Perseus has ended his run with us and it was time to move on.

Let me introduce our new Accord. The name is still up for debate. Suggestions anyone? Conner, do you know any greek mythology? Help us come up with a new name!

Conner's Digest

At dinner yesterday Conner was leading us in a discussion of human biology, facts learned from his Best Kids Almanac that he got for Christmas. He explained what happens when you swallow air while you're eating: you either burp it out or it goes into your intestines and comes out as a fart. So, Conner's final conclusion of what a fart is: "unused burp gas."

Jeff's Real Goals

1. Tell the world that I'm a fairy.

2. Eat 7 pounds of meat in one sitting (if Brett and Tara to pay for my dinner at Rodizio's again).

3. Find eternal companion who is hot, has a nice rack and loves sports or get my money back from Match.com.

4. Complete transformation into Grandpa Kinghorn.

5. Continue to make fun of Blake's weight in an effort to cover up my latent desire to wear moo moos.

Jeff's 2007 Goals List

These are some of my goals for this year, ranked in order of importance. Some of these are different than last year, some are the same. 10,000 - Find an eternal mate 1,987 - Be nicer to Brett 1,212 - Not cause so many fights in the family 1,124 - Not say so many things that set Grandpa K. off (although I still think it's funny, however, Mom and Dad don't) 999 - Be nicer to Anna and Tara 944 - Defend Allie when Alan is an a-hole to her 868 - Not be so mean to Cash 764 - Call Grandpa K. more 366 - Visit parents more 100 - Attend all my church meetings 99 - Actually crack the scriptures once and while (and close my eyes when I open them so the cloud of dust on the cover doesn't blind me) 88 - Go to the temple once and a while, instead of just driving past it thinking, "Boy when was the last time I even had a current recommend?" 84 - Go visit Jenna since she doesn't care enough to visit me 83 - Help Brandon develop somewhat of a decent physique 81 - Write to Jason more 67 - Eat more healthy food, well, on second thought change that to 'eat more food' 55- Actually become decent at 'Halo' and beat Alan just once so he will actually respect my video game abilities 51 - Be able to play Risk (or basketball) without swearing, which leads us to the next one . . . 44 - Quit swearing so much. (Well, on second thought, I better change this one to 433, I have to be realistic here) 21 - Acquire as much Tommy Hilfiger and Nike clothing as possible 17 - Expand my Ebay business (see #9) 15 - Grow a decent mustache, jk, I just threw that one in for kicks 10 - Buy more shoes 9 - Start full scale production of the JEFF logo 8 - Get in better shape so I don't end up like Blake 7- Paint my house in Jazz colors 6 - Become 2007 Teacher of the Year 5 - See as many movies as I can 4 - Win 3rd straight fantasy football league 3 - Win another online poker tournament 2 - Attend as many Jazz games as possible 1 - BE A BETTER DRIVER ! ! !

But afterwards...

This snapshot was taken right after Jeff's last post and it's obvious he didn't tell the whole story, and I'm still trying to figure out how 1" translated into time....hmmm...must be higher math-a-matics...

Put this crudely drawn picture in your . . .

Since Blake likes to make fun of my drawing ability, I drew a picture especially for him. Note his Moo Moo and 1" vertical.

I did it again

Well I managed to wreck Dad's car yesterday when I started sliding and rear ended another car. Needless to say, it hasn't been too great the last couple of weeks. Sorry Dad.

The Call of the Church-ballers

Brandon, I did the same thing.

It was about 6.30 last night when a strange feeling came over me. I sat on the couch trying to find a way to skip out on my home teaching when something moved inside me. Well, not "inside me," but it was in my pocket--my cell phone was on vibrate. It was the first counselor from the Elders Quorum inviting me to play basketball and I heeded that call.

The end result wasn't the same for me as it was for Brandon. Ten minutes into the first game, I rolled my ankle turning my A- game into a pathetic D+. I was still able to walk on it, but didn't dare to run, so I stuck around and finished the last 2 games. It's amazing how the human body as able to adapt to circumstances. When I was able to run around, I couldn't make any baskets. When I wasn't able to run around, I started making baskets. I guess it's like when once sense is gone, the other senses are heightened. I wonder what would happen if I messed up both my ankles. Maybe I could telepathically control the movement of the ball! I'm going to need a volunteer...

My ankle is still a little tender and is a little swollen. As you can see from the picture, it's about the size of a baseball. Oh, and I haven't yet kicked that pesky athletes foot, either. I'm falling to pieces!

I Am Winner, Hear Me Roar

Despite having retired from basketball, I pulled my shirt down from the rafters, pushed down my hononary statue and played again. Having given in to the pleas of my church peers, I again played ball. I had my reservations. I was sure that the months of inactivity had rendered my muscles all but useless. However, retirement was good to me. It was clear after the first ten minutes that I was truly back at home. I was incredible! Timber Beast roared loudly causing my opponents to retreat before me like a morning dew. However, today I feel like an 80 year old man. My legs hurt, my buttocks hurts, my back, neck, throat, nose, and little chest also hurt; even my toes hurt. In hindsight, perhaps it was a little premature to pull down my statue and retired jersey.

Modern Marvels

As you may or may not know, Brett has forgotten his login info for this blog, so he is having me post this for him. As we mentioned in the last posts, we went snowshoeing on our anniversary. This was a real eye-opener since both of us thought that the snow shoes are still made of wood and wicker. Appearantly technology has modified their design and converted the wood to plastic, and the wicker to plastic while adding a cleat. This would have been a great way to spend our time together, but the missing element to all of this was the snow. That didn't stop us. The snowshoes allowed us to walk on top of not only snow, but everything! As you can see from the picture, Tara's worked a little better than mine.

Yes folks, it's been a year!

Decemeber 16th was our first wedding anniversary. To celebrate, we went to the Alaskin Inn, up the Ogden Canyon. It was so much fun! We went snowshoeing, went to dinner and then hung out in our great little cabin. Brett partied a little too hard and pooped out early. They even brought us breakfast the next morning. And Jeff didn't think it would last.

Schoolyard Regulators capture second straight championship

(AP) No team had won back-to-back Championships in the history of the Mountain West Football Conference until this year. Many believed the Schoolyard Regulators chances of a repeat championship were nearly impossible. One man who disagreed with that theory was Jeff Shirley, an accomplished owner, mathematician, writer, philanthropist, and American hero. Not satisfied with the Regulators position as the First champion in league history, Shirley decided that back-to-back titles would stamp his team as one of the all-time greats. So he did a peculiar thing. A day after the 2005 Championship game, Shirley guaranteed the Regulators would repeat next year. Not maybe--a guarantee. He was quoted last year saying, “We will win next year. You can type that, print it, fax it, video it, text it, just send it to everyone. We will hoist the trophy again next year.” As the Regulators looked to repeat, a new challenger was rising in Provo. The Provo Bulldogs boasted league MVP Ladanian Tomlinson, but lacked any playoff experience. General Manager Evan Scoresby talked a lot throughout the season, claiming his young squad could run with the Regulators. His words rang hollow when he had to face the undaunting task of winning on the Regulators’ home field. Each team was battle-tested on its way to the Super Bowl, with Provo beating Wasatch and the Regulators trouncing the Bikinis. In the Super Bowl, the Regulators needed every bit of its home field advantage, coming back from a 66-60 deficit in game one to win game two in front of a raucous Schoolyard Stadium crowd to become repeat Champions. As Shirley toasted his victory with a cigar and bottle of champagne, he took a moment to reflect on his team’s accomplishments. “We were just too mentally tough for the other teams. It was kind of sad, really, to compare us to anyone else because we were miles ahead of the competition. It was kind of pathetic. Hats off to the Bulldogs, but everyone in the stadium knew we were the best team. Tonight, we are once again champions, and I am the greatest owner in the world.” Shirley should be commended for his tremendous leadership ability and motivational tactics. This man has some serious cajones my friends, and hats go off to the Regulators, who once again proved they were the best team in the world.

Christmas Birthday Medley

Well, here are a few pictures of our fam during the holidays. Among the highlights, is Rafe turning three, as you can see from his fingers. He enjoys his new stuffed dinosaur and loved blowing the candles out on the cake, so much that we had to do it like 3 times. The kids are enjoying the new trampoline and we are enjoying the ping pong table (Uncle Evan and Aunt Kristel shown), and I'm having fun learning the guitar. Other than that I'm too tired to think of anything clever or funny to say, but I'm sure you'll come up with plenty of sarcastic remarks, probably all directed towards my picture with the guitar...

Ode to Aught 6

At the dawn of this new year, is it not appropo to conduct a summary of highlights and lowlights of 2006. Hence, the following: Births: Grant and Holland Deaths: our beloved Bob. May he chirrup with the angels and greet us in heaven. Top Ten Events of Honorable Mention: 10: Scoresby's move into their mansion in January. Ask Jeff for details about purchase price, square footage, and mortgage rate. 9: Brandon lives and breathes LSAT material during the fall months and comes off conquerer. This however conflicts with 8: Grandpa turning 90. Kinghorns are proud and make DVD for themselves staring themselves. 7: Apparently Brett auditions for American Idol. We will have to tune in January to see if he gets the yellow ticket for Hollywood. Rumor has it he's in Randy's dogpound. Kids everywhere will flock to him for autographs. 6: Jeff gets first teaching job in the Alpine School district. Our little Jeffy is getting so big! 5: Blake gets sa big. 4: Conner gets baptized, learns cursive and explains plate tectonics to his mom. 3: After months of bribing Rafe with earning a plastic dinosaur to get him to poop in the potty, he successfully completes the task. You might be surprised to find this so high on the list but believe me, it's a HUGE deal to us! 2: Jeff buys new car and destroys new car. 1: Jason attends Olympics and gets on TV with Katie Couric. Now that in itself is impressive but the fact that he was quoted in the Church News is more impressive to the Kinghorns. Go squirrel! May 07 be just as stellar is my prayer. Happy New Year to All and God Bless Us, Everyone.

Grant'stanza

Lately, Grant has been looking to expand his portfolio. After going through the many photos we have taken over the months, Grant has become bored with the profiles, candids, and close-ups. So, as he has become more mobile, Grant slowly perfected this position for the sizzling layout. Amazingly, it looks a lot like George Costanza's portraits. Perhaps Grant has been learning more from television than we thought.