Dad schools Jeff

Using some good old fashioned home cooking, Dad pulled several moves out of his bag of tricks to dominate me playing h-o-r-s-e 3 games to 0. I was powerless to match his vast array of half court shots, corner threes, mid range jumpers, and hook shots. He was on fire and couldn't miss! I'll never live this down. He just kept yelling out, "YESS!!" And then the ball would swish. Over and over, he made probably 80% of his shots. I was speechless. I did, however, challenge him to a game of one on one which sort of evened the score as I earned back a small amount of respect. I still could not believe how he managed to hit a couple of fade away threes just over my finger tips. Dad truly was the man this night, and as we left I said, "You might as well quit now while you're ahead, because you'll never be this good again."

Dad's Christmas Break Schedule

7:00 Wake up, proceed to the tub to study scriptures or pictures of the kids at his school. (Dad has been trying to memorize all their names)

9:30 Breakfast--while he watches Law and Order

10:00 Studies pictures of kids

12:00-2:00 afternoon nap

2:00 Wakes up when mom comes out and starts yelling at him for not doing anything.

2:30 Gets up, walks around, then goes back to sleep while a football game is on in the background.

3:30 Goes outside to make Mom believe he's doing something.

4:00 Sits back down and studies the pictures of the kids again.

4:30 Mom leaves to work at says, "Can you accomplish something today? Dad ignores her.

5:00-8:00 Watches football, gives Jeff money to go get Big Juds and then watches ESPN or other sports station Jeff chooses.

8:30-10:00 Another bath, with hot water left trickling.

10:00-11:30 While Jeff is playing poker online, Dad secretly turns to the "Girls next door" marathon on E.

11:30 Dad, worn out, retires to bed

Pubic Sc-hair

As others have drawn attention to personal flaws (Blake's obvious weight, Jeff's botched 4-wheeling adventure etc.) I thought I would join the ring of personal humiliation. Pictured to the right are my friends at our first "Ugly Sweater Christmas" party. Note the crotches: what's up with Brandon's? Whatever it is I didn't do it on purpose.

Subliminal

Despite our many efforts to keep Grant away from the numbing influence of sports: dinosaur crib bumper, pictures of Prague on his bedroom walls, blocking out the ESPN channels on the TV, and putting him to sleep with NPR podcasts, he has finally been corrupted by Uncle Jeff.

Once we put on the jersey he was crawling all over the living room. It seemed make him surprisingly more athletic.

As you can see from the photo, Grant is doing his Grandpa Shirley sports watching impression: he drops what he's doing, says, "go! go! go! . . . go!" and then claps his hands together in enjoyment or disappointment. The way the Jazz play, it's likely to lead to disappointment.

We'll let him have his fun and continue being a Jazz fan. Kids usually learn best when you let them fall once in a while.

The jersey looks great Jeff, Grant sends his thanks.

D'OH

What a $&*%$#$ Christmas

Here's pictures of my accident last weekend that throughly destroyed what little Christmas cheer I had. Enjoy.

American Idol 2007 Auditions: SLC, UT

Vegas Christmas Vacation

Here's some pix from our recent Vegas Vacay. I'm just going to get the obvious out of the way. Ahem....here goes.

"That Blake, he's gettin' sa big!!"

To forego the incessant wise cracks that will imminently be forthcoming, I've conveniently complied a multiple choice list explaining my current size that each of you may vote from. No other comments are allowed!

A) I'm standing over an exhaust vent which is blowing air under my shirt, making it 'poof' out.

B) I've been eating buffet style for every meal for two days.

C) I've just left the buffet and I've fashioned a sausage link and bacon belt around my mid-section to sneak the food back to my hotel room. (On the way back to the hotel room, I was tackled by security who thought my sausage belt was a suicide belt made of sticks of dynamite.)

D) The camera adds 70 pounds

E) I've been eating my depression away after learning over the Thanksgiving weekend that the SMIL club may be abolished after Anna calls to inform me she's lost 5 pounds as I was sitting on the couch polishing off the last banana cream pie from the tin. (True story)

F) I'm packing it on right now so that next year my Before and After pictures will be even more dramatic.

G) All of the Above

OK, now you can vote. Now we can move on to better and brighter things. Isn't my family the cutest ever!? And here's me and my brother just before kick-off at the Las Vegas Bowl where BYU later crushed Oregon 38-8 to finish the season with an 11-2 record. GO MIGHTY COUGARS! Anyway, we had a great time on our first road trip since last Christmas and having a new baby. The kids proved to be bearable on the road...dare we travel farther the next time? Only time will tell.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas Projects

Here are some projects we worked on in my class since teaching was a waste of time this week (Hopefully none of my kids ever read this blog). We created a Menorah, a catapult that we used in a catapult war, and a Christmas tree that stands by itself. All these were my ideas! Yes, I'm waiting for you to shower me with praise and gifts. Enjoy!

I'm not mad!

Mom: Scott? Scott!!!

Dad: What!!

Mom: Where are you?

Dad: Where do you think I am?

Mom: Well I was just wondering where you were, you don't have to get so mad.

Dad: I'm not mad, quit saying that!

Jeff (laughing in the background): HAAA! HA! HA HAAA!

Goliath, ruler of all

Here's one that only Brett and Brandon might remember, and possibly Jason:"Goliath's my name, and dancin's my game." (a trampoline game we used to play where I'd body slam Brett, Brandon, and Jason; someone usually ended up crying.

How about these:"These cereals suck!"

"Look out." (as Jeff pushes people out of the way.

"Don't let me get in your way." (Dad)

Is that Bill Shakespeare sitting over there?

(insert name) couldn't carry Jeff's jock."

Hi everybody." (Hi Dr. Nick) "Who's turn is it to get wood?"

"I did it last time."

Poisonous flower.

Jig Sutton.

You get 'The two Jigs.'

Korky Sherwood. (kory wilcox)

Ching Chongs (cheney's)

King Kong horns.

Monkey Man Tate.

"He's too small. He's no challenge at all."

"That's it. I've had enough of this." (as dad gets up to leave because he didn't like a movie/tv show.

Family Glossary

Every family has a language of its own. Here is a list of Shirley'isms used over the years. Please feel free to add to the list in the comments section so that others will know what we are talking about:

And stay out (Brett to cousin Chris). Barndino Bartolome Bartutski. Bert and Burden Bertrand Russell Betti Bretski Bud & Evran Cashie Bones Cashito Cassie Cass-o-lay Cheff. Chimp. Church cartoons. Clyde & Lionell Dipstick. Do we have to watch sports? Don't make me come in there. Don't you come back here without no baby. Excellent! Fast Ed and Slow Ted. Garmachos. Garth Vader. Geejun Get that kid out of here. Get the freak out of here. Give Cash a weiner. Green goop. Here am I, send me. Hey, Tiger I called 10 minutes. I get to be Bo (or Uncle Jesse) I think I got the best one. I'll lay you low. Jan the Man Jay Bones Jeffar. Jenna Penna Jogger? What jogger? Johnna Johnra. Kareem Abdul Jeffar Kevin! (Jason at the end of a prayer.) Kirby kids. Lee the Self-medicator. Mama Sahn Monkey Man. Mr. Plumbean. Mr. DipBob My hell-free. Nenners. Never come back. Norman the Calf. Not it! Nothing divided by two. Re-gifter. Saltino. Scott the Pot Scotty Potty Shady Eyes and Honey Voice. Shin. Shiz. Shut the heck up. Smith!!! Somebody go move the water. Something better on than this? Soup nazi. Sterile Daryl. Stop laughing at me. The Idaho piece. The Way-back. Theron-ized. They planted Aunt Mable yesterday.

This is getting serious (said by Dad as each kid got closer to going on a mission). This is not a democracy. Tin Man We don't need this. What's going on up there? What's up? When do we get to the scenery? Where are the keys? Where are the pioneers by now? Why don't he write? You birds! You gonna eat that? You lost control of the remote. You want to make me one of those? Your turn, I got the last one.

Miami Mice: Infestation

I came up to Mom and Dad's and decided I'd help them out with their recent infestation of mice. Mom said they've caught a few lately and it reminded me of when I was playing the Nintendo downstairs when I was little and I saw something out the corner of my eye. A mouse had climbed up through the inside of the couch and was peeking out at me from the corner of the cushions. Later, I had that mouse for dinner because Mom never bought enough food for me to eat. I guess some things never change.

Christmas Departure

Enter scene: Brandon leans back in his chair in anticipation of the upcoming holiday. He is on the cusp of concluding a long journey back from Idaho. He went with Jeff to take Dad's car back after his own broke down. The pair used Planes, Trains, and Automobiles to get back to the Salt Lake area. Relieved that the adventure is almost over, Brandon closes his eyes and reflects on the crazy journey home with his friend.

(Flashback) Brandon and Jeff are in a truck stop motel in Malad, Idaho before finishing the last leg of their journey home. They break out Jeff's stash of airplane liquor bottles to toast their adventure. Brandon: It's been one heck of a ride eh Jeff? (throwing back his head and downing another small bottle of tequila). Jeff: (Nodding in agreement while finishing his own small bottle of hard liquor). Brandon: The Christmas season sure makes a guy miss home. At least we have our wives and our families to go home to. Jeff: (Holding an empty liquor bottle and staring blankly at Brandon from across the room, nodding again; this time with a church frown emphasized by his small moustache). (Another flashback at Jeff's favorite Truck stop diner where he had to sell his collection of Karl Malone bobble head dolls to pay for "foot-longs" and tater tots) Brandon: I'm glad Christmas Eve is going to be on a Sunday this year so we can go to church and remember the true meaning of Christmas. It really adds something to the spirit of the meeting. Jeff: I haven't been to church in years (words echoing). . .haven't been to church in years . . . haven't been to church in years.

Christmas with the elfs...

HEY YAH! Well we decided to got to one of our members houses who is widowed and set up a sick XMAS tree. This thing is a hundred times better than anything Jeff could of done. In the picture you can clearly see that I have grown about 2 feeet in the last year and a half and I am now ducking to enter into doors. I hope I am not scaring the italians by my incredible height! It's not my fault.

Is Jeff leaving yet?

Anna: Is it time to go yet?

Brandon: We just got here.

Anna: I'm am sick and tired of being around Jeff. And why is he acting like he is high?

Brandon: Well . . he always said President Bednar was mad at him for taking a parking pass but I think there was a lot more to that story if you know what I mean. But we can't just leave right now, he hasn't even eaten yet. Just wait until he is in a turkey induced coma and then we'll hit him with Aunt Kathy's pumpkin log.

Anna: You don't have to tell me twice, great idea! Jeff (in the background) Heeeyyy Grandpa!!

Anna (whispering): He's driving me nuts. I knew we should have gone to Spring City.

Brandon: Well, what do you want to do then? You make all the money around here. You could buy and sell Jeff. Of course, he already knows how much we all make just like Grandpa K.

Anna: Well, just don't pull the old "It's just Jeff" excuse.

Scott (sneezing): AAHHHHHH CHEEEUUUUUWWW!

Anna: Bless you.

Jeff (approaching): So Anna, I'm indeed grateful that you guys came. You always do so much for me, you know like let me stay at your home while I recover from my surgeries, drive to Orem to bring me juice when I don't trust my roommate to buy it or clean up my gross bathroom while I'm out cold in the other room.

Anna: That's it, I'm tired of Jeff being nice. We're outta here! Brandon let's go!

(Door slams)

Jeff: What . . .I didn't say anything.

Jeff's War on Christmas

This is Temple Square with Chirstmas lights.

This is what the Temple Square lights would look like if Jeff was in charge.

Christmas for Cash only, no one else

In a not so stunning move, Mom has decided to forego buying any presents for everyone in the family except Cash. Dad overheard her conversation with Jenna the other day (who she calls every day) saying, "He's the only one that deserves anything. His undying devotion and dedication to this family is unmatched." She also noted, "He's certainly done more for this family than Jeff, but that's not a surprise to anyone." While this announcement is no surprise to anyone in the family, it is disappointing that Christmas morning and the Shirley house will be spent opening presents full of doggy treats, custom dog massagers, an diamond studded collar, can after can of gourmet dog food, a new recliner for Cash to sleep in, and a jetted doggy sized hot tub. When he heard of this news, Cash declined comment as he ran out the door to look for some cow manuer to munch on.

The lone ornament

So I finally put up my tree the other day, and as you can tell, there's tons of ornaments and lights on it, and not much tree. By the way, this is the part of the tree that dad didn't ruin during his hack fest.

Whale of a Time

Geprge Bubb. the father of Ester Maria Bubb, who was Ross Shirley's great-grandfather, emigrated from England to the newly established colony of Port Elizabeth, South Africa, in 1830. He was a whaler by trade, earning a living in a very dangerous environment. He had a difficult choice to make when his wife, Esther Shultz Bubb, was due with another child. While he was on a whaling trip Ester Maria was born. In all, there were 14 children born to the Bubb family, so Grandpa must have come home at least now and then. Two of the children died in infancy. Only three were girls, the youngest sister was born after they left for America, so Esther never saw her.

Esther and her sister married two Shirley brothers, William and Thomas. William was Esther's Sunday-School teacher in the English Church, where they were later married. The two couples joined the LDS church in 1855 and immediately had trouble with the inlaws who hated Mormons. The Shirley Boys were told by the "Brothers Bubb" that if they ever tried to take their sisters to America, they would "kill them." So, what happens when you tell a Shirley they can't do something? They made preparations and sailed for America in in a ship called "The Alacrity," in 1859, with a three-month old baby. Their first had died in infancy.

Esther said she stood at the back of the ship and waved a hanky at her mother, who waved back at her, until they were out of sight. They never saw one another again. My cousin, Jim Shirley, later went on a mission to South Africa and looked up the Bubbs. They were friendly and polite, but still very much against Mormons. The picture above is one I found of someone looking out into the ocean from the same beach in Port Elizabeth from which Esther's father went sailing, and from where Esther sailed with her husband and baby to America.

Shirley We Are

I was trying to figure out how to let the rest of you know about all the stories I have collected from the nuts in our family tree. So, I thought I would create a blog and try to add some humor to make the stories interesting. I couldn't figure out how to add the link to this page, so I need someone to do it for me. I posted a couple of blogs to see if anyone was interested. Let me know what you think. Just click on my profile and you will see the link to go to.

For example, we have been doing Cash's genealogy and traced him back to an ancient Egyptian canine named "Phydoux." He is seen here looking for Hebrew babies that have been known to be found floating near the river.

MY FIRST BLOG EVER!!!!

Look at me YAH! SO I thought I would try to be a part of the family and add my 2 cents!! This past week we had a baptism and it was rad. I was so happy. This family if from KOSOVO.... Yep the dad is muslim but he is totally inactive. The mom has a date for the 22nd so we are praying our guts out that she can get a new job that will allow her to come on Sundays to church. ROCK ON PADOVA! I bet you wish you were here. (Jeff don't respond)

Upon Entry

I'm not sure how attentive to the details many of you are, but you may have noticed that I haven't had much to say so far. I suppose I can explain that because it is something I deal with on a regular basis. Whenever I create an account for some website, I'm always weary of potential spam splashback. So, I try to encrypt my identity using my powerful imagination. This makes me use passwords that may seem like good ones at the time, but I can never remember them. Passwords like "Itchy and Scratchy," or "stinky cheese." I can't even remember the answers to my security questions for my account at the University! The important thing is, I'm in now and will hopefully be more vocal about Jeff's closet desire to be a news reporter, or expose his mysterious third arm. The end.

Garden Gnome or Grand Dragon?

We had a fun outing to Temple Square on Saturday with Brandon, Anna, Grant and Jared. I thought Grant looked like a cute little gnome, but Brett thought he looked like the Grand Dragon of the KKK. What do you think?

Do You Have Anything in a 14 Slim?

Enter Scene: Brandon and Anna enter a Nordstrom's in search of a new suit for Christmas. Brandon is feeling particularly "husky" this evening and Anna is supportive as always. Salesman: Can I help you? Do you know your size? Brandon: Sure. I don't know my size however. Salesman: Okay, looks like you are a 38Regular. And unfortunately it looks like we don't have anything under a 39. Brandon: Where can I file a complaint. Anna: Let it go Brandon. Let's just get out of here. Brandon: It's tough being such a small guy in a big world. Enter scene: Determined, Brandon and Anna enter a "Men's Warehouse" in hopes of ending the night's pur'suit's. After working with an extremely polite salesman, the couple finds a suit and Keiko, the master seamstress is called upon to mark the alterations. Keiko: The jacket does not need changes. Brandon: Great! Keiko: Are the pants too tight? Brandon: No they are just right. Keiko: Oh, so skinny! He's just so skinny! Tsk, tsk, tsk, I can't believe how skinny! Standing in the multi-angled mirrors Brandon tries to hold back the tears. Everybody heard what Keiko had to say. Brandon's chest maybe small and barrell like, but at least that little chest has some hair on it. Go masculinity!

Local Scrooge boycotts Christmas

Jeff Shirley, from Orem, is attempting to lead a city wide campaign against Christmas. Shirley was seen picketing outside the local city hall on Saturday chanting, "Fo sho', Christmas must go!!!" Shirley explained his reasoning in an exclusive interview with the Deseret News saying, "Christmas just sucks. No matter where you go, the traffic is horrendous, you can't even go to the mall, and every time you go to a store there are crazy kids running around screaming 'I want this, I want that.' I'm just tired of the whole scene. Bah." Shirley is expected to take his campaign door to door in an attempt to destroy Christmas cheer in happy valley. "There's nothing sillier than a Merry Christmas," added Shirley, who said, "hopefully people will eventually see the real truth. Call me grinch, scrooge, whatever. I speak the truth." The irony of the whole situation is that Shirley works with children at a local elementary school and has been rumored to shower the kids with gifts and candy. "That's a total farce," Shirley said, adding, "I've never given a gift, received a gift, or had anything to do with Christmas." Many wonder if underneath this gruff, bitter persona resides someone who will see the joy and happiness of this holiday season. Let's hope so, for his sake.

Santa's Little Helper

The kindergartners at Kennedy Elementary decorated a tree at the BYUI campus, and they needed someone to help Santa give out candy canes, so grandpa came to the rescue. One child told Santa that he looked a lot like Principal Shirley. Imagine that!

O Christmas Tree

Instead of killing living trees for one month of festiviousness, we have chosen an eco-friendly plastic tree. We wish you could all come and admire it. Well not ALL of you. At the same time, I mean. (Sorry about the technical difficulties - thanks for standing by)

Happy Holland Days

This picture is almost as good as our first blog photo. Holland is finally sitting up all by herself, refining her hand-eye coordination motor skills, and pukes alot. She's currently suffering from a stuffy nose which makes for long nights as she can't breathe and have the binky at the same time. She's looking forward to her first Christmas and hopes for world peace.

Our First Blog

You artsy-fartsy types will be sure to love and appreciate this amazing photo taken by none other than the famous photog herself, Jennaloha. Notice the use the juxtaposition with the divine proportion of this black man's thigh with his son's arms and you'll know that this is really good art, probably more gooder than any other piece of work you've ever seen. Jennaloha was at the right place and the right time to capture this image while waiting for her children's dance performance. Rest assured that even more gooder stuff will be forthcoming from the Scoresby clan.

Let the festivity begin!

We finally got our tree up and decorated. We even broke out the nativity and the stockings. We're so festive. Brandon picked a good one - we didn't need to trim it at all. It fit perfectly in our place (after we moved all the baby stuff around).

Sixth grader (teacher) wins national award for best tree

(AP) Jeff Shirley, of Orem, Utah, has received a national award for the best Christmas tree found in Island Park in 2006. Shirley was rumored to have sold his soul to the devil to find such a masterpiece, but denied it saying, "I know how to pick them. I already knew I was the best before I even received this award." The award, sponsored by the National Christmas Tree Aestetics Association, was presented to Shirley in an awards ceremony November 27, 2006. Jeff's brother, Brandon tried to crash the ceremony when he reportedly stromed the stage as Shirley was walking up to receive the award. Security officials quickly pounced on Brandon, who was taken to jail for disturbing the peace. Brandon who is a recovering alchoholic, was seen earlier that day at a local bar and pub drowning his sorrows with a fifth of Jack Daniels. He tried to take credit for the tree saying, "I spotted that tree before Jeff, it's a crime that he received this award." Jeff took the high road by saying, "I'm disappointed by Brandon's comments, and it would have been nice to receive some support from my family during this momentous occasion. I just hope Brandon can get some professional help." Shirley added, "But it's water under the bridge. At the end of the day I'll add this award to my trophy case along with all my other awards and sleep very soundly knowing I'm the greatest tree hunter in the world." Judging from this picture, I believe he's right.

My Christmas tree can beat-up your Christmas tree...

So this is our second Christmas together, but our very first tree together! Isn't it purdy. It was just a tad big for our little apartment, but after we cut 3 feet off the bottom, it was just perfect! Not sure what we were thinking when we chose it, but it turned out great! I want to see everyone elses trees, so start taking pictures!

Say good bye to our little friend...

Bob has left us, as you all know. Tear.... So here are a few cute pictures of him. He was such a good bird.