In a special news conference this morning, the Utah Jazz announced they were bringing in one of the teams biggest fans, Jeff Shirley, as official Flag Man. Shirley will appear during timeouts with his vast array of towels, flags, and verbal taunts directed toward the opposition and the referees. Shirley was honored to be rewarded for his countless hours of unpaid support for the team. During the press conference, he said, bluntly, "This is a wonderful occasion. However, this team really owes this to me. Throughout my life, I've suffered an endless amount of joy and excitement as a result of being a fan. However, every year I'm tormented with inconsistent play and ultimate letdown as the season manages to always end in disappointment. Hopefully, with my help, we will overcome the demons that have haunted us in the past." Larry H. Miller was on hand for this announcement, and was his usual teary-eyed self, saying, "Today, I'm proud to have Jeff here beside me...(sniff, sniff)..he..(pause)..is the greatest fan we've ever had. If we could have 19,911 fans like him...(blows his nose)..we would have multiple championship banners. (pause) I'm sorry, but this is really emotional for me...I'm just so happy right now." As photographers snapped pictures of Shirley and Miller hugging, an enormous amount of energy infused the arena. This can only be a positive omen for the Jazz as they look to stop San Antonio this evening. Prediction: Jazz win games 3 and 4.
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In a related story, the self-appointed superfan, Mr. Shirley was rushed from the ESA shortly before the game and admitted to the hospital for severe flu-like symptoms. Apparently Mr. Shirley had dinner with Deron Williams before the game, and the two shared a fork and were both contaminated by improperly cooked fish. In Mr. Shirley's absence, his brother-in-law Alan Farnsworth tried to carry the burden of holding the team together, but it was not enough, and the Jazz lost. Jerry Sloan and Derek Fisher were both ejected after complaining about the fans' lack of support. The Jazz now face a 3-1 deficit to the Spurs, all because of Mr. Shirley's letdown. Maybe now his appetite will be curbed when preparing for a game...
I hope your status as the Jazz superfan/towel-guy/stats-man isn't marred by an angry Sloan or Miller. If they happen to get upset at something you have done you can always have Dad come down and chew them out. He's got the experience.
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